Little Black One & Co.

Fat Orange One says:

"Yer what - sorry, didn't quite catch that?
It sounded kinda like yer just said 'Ooh, get him, FOO with his pink girly hairband!'
Care to come over here & repeat that, yer fat bay git?
And for your information...it's a grooming accessory...OK...just a grooming accessory...doesn't mean anything, see?"

LBO: "What's that you say......a talent scout......ooh, where?"

FOO: 'Oh, yeah, *ahem* just over there, see him?"

CB: "Err, isn't that the bloke who brings the straw?"

FOO: *slyly* "No, no, that's definitely a talent scout!"

LBO: "Is he looking? Is he looking this way? Can he see me?"

CB: Err, what's your child doing - it appears to have fallen over or summink?"

LBO: "Eh, what? Child? Um, oh, child is fine........! Is he still there FOO? Is he still looking?"

FOO: "Oh, absolutely.........yes.........looking right at you!"

CB: "Err.......child........?"

LBO: "Child is FINE......she's still there isn't she?" *voice trails off* "Oh, he's gone, the talent scout has gone.....!"

FOO: "Oh what a shaaaaame! Better luck next time, eh?"

LBO: *hopefully* "Do you think he'll call back......phone......ask for photos..........?"

FOO: "Oh, sure to LBO..........sure to.........anyway............err, what IS your child doing?"

Many months have now passed by,
But despite my greatest fear.......
The novelty still hasn't 'just worn off',
'Cos I'm definitely........still here!

They told me that they loved me,
That they'd never part with me,
I thought "I've heard it all before....."
"......so let's just wait & see!"

I couldn't do an awful lot,
I hoped that I wasn't a bore!
But despite my limitations,
They kept coming back for more!

Every day they fetched me in,
And picked out all my feet,
They brushed me, cuddled me, led me round,
And assured me I was still 'sweet'!

They proudly told anyone who'd listen,
Of each new little thing I could 'do',
I started to finally wonder,
Could this honestly really be true?

Did they actually genuinely want me?
Did they love me as one of their own?
Having waited so long, had I really......
Found a place to at long last call 'home'?

Well, I no longer need to feel worried,
My original fears were all wrong,
There is now not the tiniest doubt in my mind........
I have found where I truly..........belong!

Shoild be on by tonight! No, WILL be on by tonight!

Small White Useless One showing her independant spirit & contempt for the principles of loose schooling by heading rapidly in the opposite direction!
What WAS going through her tiny mind though......?





And the winner was......Jessica_......with the highly amusing......:

"SWUO auditions with her best slo-mo run for the new 'Pony Baywatch' series..."

"A canter is the cure for all evil" - Benjamin Disraeli.

Yes, I may be coloured & yes I am a cob,
This doesn't mean however...
I'm a typical 'armchair' blob!

I have a lot of good points but one thing that I ain't,
Is one who could be safely described...
As a 'total little saint'!

I've heard myself described as an 'awkward bl**dy git',
And everything else from 'utter troll'..
To 'absolute little sh*t'!

(Me mum loves me though - I mean look at her, sitting there grinning from ear to ear, so i can't be THAT bad, can I?)

I don't see why I should conform, I'm happy as I am,
If I pretended to be something I'm not..
I'd be a total sham!

What you see it what you get...& there's very little hope...
That I'll ever hear myself desribed as...
A 'typical dope on a rope!'

And this is SO my bestest side...
I dunno what YOU fink,
And by the way, me headcollar...
Is...(according to SOME!)...NOT pink!

Fat Orange One said 'magenta',
Little Black One said 'cerise',
I 'spose they're being 'helpful' but..
I just wish they'd all leave me in peace!

Me mum chose it 'specially for me,
'Cos she thought it would suit me quite well,
But some of me friends think it's 'funny',
(And a little bit 'poofty' as well!)

I really don't mind, 'cos I reckon...
Blue & green are a bit overrated,
I'm 'different', I'm 'special', I'm even...
Fully 'colour co-ordinated'!

Me bucket's sort of pinky lilac,
Me grooming kit is 'Barbie pink',
Me summer wardrobe's 'dusky rose',
Me leadrope's 'fuschia'...(I think!)

But all that matters in the end,
Is me mum telling me I look 'fab',
And I'd much prefer to 'stand out in a crowd'...
Than be ordinary, boring & drab!

And at least MY stuff is new & clean,
And whispered wherever I go...
Is "She MUST spend a bl**dy fortune...
On that lucky so-and-so...!"

So, the moral of this story...
(From what I've seen & heard!)
Is that colour doesn't REALLY matter...
And 'pink'...is just a WORD!!!

How to spot that rare & elusive creature...the "bin there, done that, got the t-shirt", completely & utterly "childproof pony"!





Child is sulking for England...
...Pony is walking forwards, ears pricked, not remotely concerned...

Child is sulking for England...
Child is now slumped defiantly on pony in "sack of spuds" position...
...Pony is walking forwards, ears pricked, not remotely concerned...

Child is sulking for England...
Child is now slumped defiantly on pony in "sack of spuds" position...
Child has now dropped all rein contact & pretence of riding & is just sitting there glaring...
...Pony is walking forwards, ears pricked, not remotely concerned...

Child is sulking for England...
Child is now defiantly slumped on pony in "sack of spuds" position...
Child has now dropped all rein contact & pretence of riding & is just sitting there glaring...
Child is now mouthing "I hate you, I hate riding, I hate everybody"....
...Pony is walking forwards, ears pricked, not remotely concerned...

Child finally gets off pony, flings arms round his neck & says "I love you..."
...Pony says "There, there...I know you do...I love you too...now where's me tea?!"

"Oh, DO come on pony...even a JUDGE can move quicker than THIS...& THEY"RE usually about 95 years old...& walk with a stick!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever...keep your hair on...I'm coming, I'm coming!"

"Don't you WANT to be a show pony?"

"Err...nah...not really...bored now...mmm...leadrope...tasty!"

I've water-skiied her round the yard...
(She DIDN'T find this funny!)
'Cos when I finally stopped, she was...
Clearly NOT a happy bunny!

I've towed her down a road at speed
With her squawking 'Whoa!' & 'No!'
Her little feet only touching the ground...
Every 15 feet or so!

(She still loves me though...she said so later when she'd got her breath back!)

I've managed to eliminate us
Refusing three times in a row...
(Apparently quite naughty at the first...
But how was I supposed to know???)

I've chucked her head first into
The first part of a double..
As it took a while to haul her out
I thought I MIGHT be in some trouble!

(She still loves me though...she said so later when she'd stopped limping & sniffling quite so much!)

I've trampled on her tootsies
And made her squawk in pain...
I didn't mean to hurt her though
And tried hard not to do it again!

I've refused to stand, refused to load,
Refused to stop, refused to go,
Refused to walk, refused to jump...
Yet through it all, I KNOW...

My Mum STILL loves me & even though I'm big, strong, clumsy, bloody-minded & obstinate......I love her lots & lots back!!!

1. Buy newly acquired CB a nice (expensive!) feed bowl, made of old lorry tyres or something & supposedly virtually indestructible!

2. Throw squashed flat, ripped in half, 10 quid bucket in rubbish 2 days later & buy new one!

3. Peer nervously at huge, muscled neck, of the type normally only seen on Hereford bulls, with somewhat scarily bulging underside & make mental note never to use a haynet again but to just carry on chucking all hay on floor!

4. Had decided to feed him a high-fibre diet, consisting of chaff, alfalfa, fibre nuts & balancer! As the months go by & winter food rations increase, make mental note to join gym, to build up muscles to be able to lift & carry said feed bucket without rupturing something!

5. Quickly learn to stop explaining reasons WHY to fellow liveries questions of "Does he really eat all THAT?" & instead just nod grimly & carry on walking!

6. Daughter complaining he's chucking his food all over the floor in front of his door, his preferred feeding position! Agree to 'watch him' & see if we can do something about it!

7. Put feed bucket down & shut door! Feed bucket is tipped over within seconds!
Daughter goes in & starts scooping up food & flinging it back into bucked, at which point, huge hairy hoof is planted on bucket edge & whole thing, food & all, is flipped upside-down again! Daughter calls CB a few choice names & leaves!

9. Following night, bucket is put down in farthest corner of stable & satisfied she has 'won', daughter leaves stable & toddles off! Seconds later, there is a loud crash & on investigating, find bucket is back in front of door, upside-down, food all over floor! Daughter gives up & leaves him to it!

10. Throw cracked bucket in rubbish & buy new squidgy one, in a nice pinky/purple colour, threatening nasty consequences if he kills THIS one!

11. In depths of winter, when some of the other horses are looking a tad worse for wear......go in stable to change rugs & stand back to admire vastly improved neck & body shape & sleek, glossy coat!

12. Pat CB, tell him he's gorgeous & turn to go......taking care not to trip over his upturned feed bucket or step in the small mountain of food now residing on the floor in front of his door as I leave!

FRIEND ON YARD: "D'you wanna pony?"

ME: "Nope."

FRIEND: "But I can't keep her...she'll have to go to the sales or something...!"

ME: "Sorry to hear that but I really can't have ANY more!"

FRIEND: "But her poor aged field companions will miss her...& be all alone..."

ME: "Nothing I can do...sorry!"

FRIEND: "...& be REALLY sad...& pine away"

ME: "I absolutely do NOT want a pony of ANY kind & certainly not a barely broken Welsh sec A that I can't even do anything with!"

FRIEND: "Oh go on...pleeeease...I know YOU'LL look after her!"

ME: "Definitely NOT...I'm really sorry!"

10 second pause......

FRIEND: "So, d'you want to take her straightaway...?"

At this point, I am still shaking my head but somehow find myself feebly muttering...

ME: "Well, you'd better stick her headcollar over there then, with the others...!"

Pony (which was free!) came with a headcollar, an attitude & an in-hand bridle, (which I suspect is worth slightly more than the pony!) & several months later, is our lovely, super cute & highly huggable......Small White Useless One!

Overhear same friend who suggested Fat Orange One to us saying something along the lines of "...Yeah, I know, they really ought to sell him...", nosily enquire "Sell what?" & find out it is a 14.1hh blue-eyed, piebald gelding, about 10 yrs old! Hurrah, coincidentally middle daughter's first choice is a blue-eyed piebald! Arrange to go & see pony asap!

Pony has been loaned to a riding-school for 2 years & whilst popular & useful, also has a bit of a reputation for being 'strong', 'stubborn' & 'bloody-minded'!

Pop over initially to have a quick peep at pony in his stable! Say 'hello' to pony over door...no reaction, wave hands at pony with louder "helloooo!"...no reaction, jump up & down in front of stable...pony does not react AT ALL!
Middle daughter is somewhat disappointed to find that pony is in fact, one of the zombified 'walking dead' & sulks all the way home!

Persuade middle daughter to go back & watch him in a lesson, cannot ride him herself as insurance does not cater for children! Pony spends first 10 minutes of lesson with ears flat on his head & his initial enthusiasm when ridden brings the phrase 'getting blood out of a stone' to mind!

Middle daughter thinks he is beautiful & despite never having sat on him, is keen to have him on a month's trial!

Owner informs us of his little 'quirks' & 'funny little ways'! OK, yep......!

1. Pony has not hacked out for 2 years..."Not a problem" (Our yard is on a main road!)

2. Owner's OH couldn't hold/stop him in a pelham..."Not to worry" (He won't be in a pelham as we stick everything in a mild snaffle to start with anyway!)

3. He's immemsely strong & has to be turned out in a bridle..."Fine" (Pony has the physical strength of a white rhino & middle daughter, although tall, is about 6 stone dripping wet!)

4. He can be VERY stubborn..."I'm sure we can sort him out" (Have you MET my children???)

Within days of arriving, pony has attached himself to middle daughter like a limpet & it is abundantly clear that he is very much a one-person pony, so no wonder he had 'switched off' at the riding-school, he must have HATED it!

He is STILL stubborn, STILL bloody-minded & STILL immensely strong but he is also gentle, loving & immensely loyal to his young owner, though he still couldn't really give a stuff for anybody else......we love you really, Cob Blob!

Had been looking for AGES for pony for eldest daughter, none were even remotely suitable & was beginning to despair! Mentioned this to friend, who casually replied "Oh, I've got a pony staying at my place, dunno if he'd be any good though, he's quite old & hasn't been ridden for quite a while...!"

Drive over same evening with YO & eldest daughter to have a casual look at pony!

Pony is in stable, as has 'gone to bed'! Friend hoiks pony out of stable & as it is pitch black outside, brings him to stand by feebly lit barn, where pony stands blinking in the light, looking mildly confused & still chomping on his last mouthful of hay!

We all stand peering uncertainly at hugely fat, grubby orange, football-shaped creature before us, who simply stares back with a kindly & interested expression!

Eldest daughter steps forward nervously to pat him, (has had horrible fall & confidence is now pretty much non-existent!), pony stops chewing, taking on an even more interested expression & child is soon smiling, stoking & patting him with gay abandon!

Sit child briefly on pony to check size, pony (who hasn't been ridden for several months!) just stands there, blinking happily back at us!

We all unanimously agree we 'like' this pony & arrange to fetch him the following day! (Should add, we DID know pony's prior history!)

Pony turns out to be one of the most kindly, fun-loving, cheerful & enthusiastic little ponies I have ever met, who not only restored eldest daughter's shattered confidence but took her younger sister from a nervous, wobbly "I'll just trot round then, shall I?" to a confident & enthusiastic child, who jumped her way to a fistful of rosettes in her first season of competing!

Our lovely, friendly, furry football......Fat Orange One!

1. Friend spots 12.2hh gelding for sale in Bargain Pages, there is no real description of pony, pony could be ANYTHING!

2. Inform friend have absolutely NO intention of looking at a pony advertised in Bargain Pages! No way, no chance, not going to happen!

3. Drive down to see pony same afternoon! ???

4. Look at pony, who is most definitely NOT 12.2hh, more like dead on 13hh!

5. Pony turns head to look at us, showing whites of eyes & looks sharper than a brand new razor! Shake head at OH & mouth 'Noooo!'

6. Put littlest daughter on pony to go for walk down lane. Pony sets off (at walk!) at approximately the same speed as I RUN! Whilst I puff along behind, owner who is clearly made of sterner stuff, strides out alongside pony, apparently finding a walking pace of 15mph to be perfectly normal!

7. Return to yard, am now COMPLETELY out of breath & have pretty much lost the power of speech! Pony SEEMS placid enough but remembering 'first impression' of sharpness, catch OH's gaze & again mouth 'Noooo!' OH ignores this completely & 30 seconds later, we are shaking owner's hand & saying we'd LOVE to have him!

8. Peel sobbing owner/owner's children/owner's sister off pony & stick him on trailer!

9. Drive home to quickly discover I have bought the gentlest, most intelligent, kindest & most childproof pony on the planet......our funny little spoilt brat diva, Little Black One!

OR......Small White Useless One on "How to make yourself indispensable, when you can't actually DO anything!"





Study the above picture above carefully & observe the following points, plus a few extra ones!:

1. 'Pricked ears!' This immediately makes you appear cute, friendly & approachable! This is a very basic manoeuvre & can be safely & successfully attempted by ANY pony!

2. 'The head tilt!' This is a slightly more advanced manoeuvre, as it requires SOME practice to keep your head perfectly still in that all-important 'cute' position but again, should certainly not be out of the reach of an average pony, at a basic level of fitness!

3. 'The body lean'! Now this IS an advanced manoeuvre & should only be attempted by ponies with a reasonably good level of fitness & excellent balance, or it could be misinterpreted as you trying to knock the child over, which is NOT the effect we are after at all!
What we are looking for here, is a gentle 'leaning in' towards child, enough to make physical contact but not so much that you throw them off balance!
This manoeuvre shows that you are gentle & trusting, as you are indeed putting yourself in a somewhat vulnerable position by doing it!
If you CAN pull it off however, it is one of the MOST effective manoeuvres at your disposal!

4. 'Child friendliness!' This is VITAL & whilst I understand that SOME ponies may have had previously unpleasant experiences with SOME children, it will be very much in your favour to latch onto the nice, current ones like a limpet, follow them everywhere, (at THEIR pace!), make eye contact, nuzzle them & nibble them gently in an affectionate 'mutual grooming' manner! (Check that they actually DO enjoy this first though, as you don't want them to think you are 'nipping' them!)

5, 'Appropriate noises!' Whickering, sighing & happy, relaxed snorts are all viewed MOST favourably! Keep the tone low & soft, as you don't want to startle them by excited whinnying or loud snorting until you have your hooves VERY firmly under the table as it were!

6. 'Party tricks!' Whilst it is a known fact that many of these are technically frowned upon as 'attention-seeking behaviours', it is an even MORE well-known fact that whatever they may claim, most owners actually ADORE these & can't wait to tell their friends all about your latest 'party-piece'!
I myself, have recently perfected the art of 'bucket-tossing!
Start by picking the bucket up in your teeth, prick ears & look amusing! When you feel ready to progress to actually THROWING the bucket, it is usually best to wait until the children ALL have a good view & then hurl it at the nearest adult! Children always LOVE this!
Remain looking 'cute & friendly', as there must be no hint of malice in your actions, you are simply there to 'entertain'!

Good luck! Like anything else worth doing, being cute & indispensable requires patience & practice but it will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end, as once you have wormed your way into their hearts, you are there FOREVER!

Middle daughter & Cob Blob leading round a fluffy & innocent-looking Little Black One & littlest daughter!

But that face! What WAS Cob Blob thinking......?





And the winner was......merlins_mum, with the positively hilarious......:

"Nice of Mum to bring a packed lunch - but when can I eat it?"