Saturday, December 24, 2005
"The Importance of Being Cute" by SWUO
OR......Small White Useless One on "How to make yourself indispensable, when you can't actually DO anything!"
Study the above picture above carefully & observe the following points, plus a few extra ones!:
1. 'Pricked ears!' This immediately makes you appear cute, friendly & approachable! This is a very basic manoeuvre & can be safely & successfully attempted by ANY pony!
2. 'The head tilt!' This is a slightly more advanced manoeuvre, as it requires SOME practice to keep your head perfectly still in that all-important 'cute' position but again, should certainly not be out of the reach of an average pony, at a basic level of fitness!
3. 'The body lean'! Now this IS an advanced manoeuvre & should only be attempted by ponies with a reasonably good level of fitness & excellent balance, or it could be misinterpreted as you trying to knock the child over, which is NOT the effect we are after at all!
What we are looking for here, is a gentle 'leaning in' towards child, enough to make physical contact but not so much that you throw them off balance!
This manoeuvre shows that you are gentle & trusting, as you are indeed putting yourself in a somewhat vulnerable position by doing it!
If you CAN pull it off however, it is one of the MOST effective manoeuvres at your disposal!
4. 'Child friendliness!' This is VITAL & whilst I understand that SOME ponies may have had previously unpleasant experiences with SOME children, it will be very much in your favour to latch onto the nice, current ones like a limpet, follow them everywhere, (at THEIR pace!), make eye contact, nuzzle them & nibble them gently in an affectionate 'mutual grooming' manner! (Check that they actually DO enjoy this first though, as you don't want them to think you are 'nipping' them!)
5, 'Appropriate noises!' Whickering, sighing & happy, relaxed snorts are all viewed MOST favourably! Keep the tone low & soft, as you don't want to startle them by excited whinnying or loud snorting until you have your hooves VERY firmly under the table as it were!
6. 'Party tricks!' Whilst it is a known fact that many of these are technically frowned upon as 'attention-seeking behaviours', it is an even MORE well-known fact that whatever they may claim, most owners actually ADORE these & can't wait to tell their friends all about your latest 'party-piece'!
I myself, have recently perfected the art of 'bucket-tossing!
Start by picking the bucket up in your teeth, prick ears & look amusing! When you feel ready to progress to actually THROWING the bucket, it is usually best to wait until the children ALL have a good view & then hurl it at the nearest adult! Children always LOVE this!
Remain looking 'cute & friendly', as there must be no hint of malice in your actions, you are simply there to 'entertain'!
Good luck! Like anything else worth doing, being cute & indispensable requires patience & practice but it will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end, as once you have wormed your way into their hearts, you are there FOREVER!
Study the above picture above carefully & observe the following points, plus a few extra ones!:
1. 'Pricked ears!' This immediately makes you appear cute, friendly & approachable! This is a very basic manoeuvre & can be safely & successfully attempted by ANY pony!
2. 'The head tilt!' This is a slightly more advanced manoeuvre, as it requires SOME practice to keep your head perfectly still in that all-important 'cute' position but again, should certainly not be out of the reach of an average pony, at a basic level of fitness!
3. 'The body lean'! Now this IS an advanced manoeuvre & should only be attempted by ponies with a reasonably good level of fitness & excellent balance, or it could be misinterpreted as you trying to knock the child over, which is NOT the effect we are after at all!
What we are looking for here, is a gentle 'leaning in' towards child, enough to make physical contact but not so much that you throw them off balance!
This manoeuvre shows that you are gentle & trusting, as you are indeed putting yourself in a somewhat vulnerable position by doing it!
If you CAN pull it off however, it is one of the MOST effective manoeuvres at your disposal!
4. 'Child friendliness!' This is VITAL & whilst I understand that SOME ponies may have had previously unpleasant experiences with SOME children, it will be very much in your favour to latch onto the nice, current ones like a limpet, follow them everywhere, (at THEIR pace!), make eye contact, nuzzle them & nibble them gently in an affectionate 'mutual grooming' manner! (Check that they actually DO enjoy this first though, as you don't want them to think you are 'nipping' them!)
5, 'Appropriate noises!' Whickering, sighing & happy, relaxed snorts are all viewed MOST favourably! Keep the tone low & soft, as you don't want to startle them by excited whinnying or loud snorting until you have your hooves VERY firmly under the table as it were!
6. 'Party tricks!' Whilst it is a known fact that many of these are technically frowned upon as 'attention-seeking behaviours', it is an even MORE well-known fact that whatever they may claim, most owners actually ADORE these & can't wait to tell their friends all about your latest 'party-piece'!
I myself, have recently perfected the art of 'bucket-tossing!
Start by picking the bucket up in your teeth, prick ears & look amusing! When you feel ready to progress to actually THROWING the bucket, it is usually best to wait until the children ALL have a good view & then hurl it at the nearest adult! Children always LOVE this!
Remain looking 'cute & friendly', as there must be no hint of malice in your actions, you are simply there to 'entertain'!
Good luck! Like anything else worth doing, being cute & indispensable requires patience & practice but it will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end, as once you have wormed your way into their hearts, you are there FOREVER!
Cob Blob's Dec.'05 Caption Competition Winner!
Middle daughter & Cob Blob leading round a fluffy & innocent-looking Little Black One & littlest daughter!
But that face! What WAS Cob Blob thinking......?
And the winner was......merlins_mum, with the positively hilarious......:
"Nice of Mum to bring a packed lunch - but when can I eat it?"
But that face! What WAS Cob Blob thinking......?
And the winner was......merlins_mum, with the positively hilarious......:
"Nice of Mum to bring a packed lunch - but when can I eat it?"
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Fat Orange One on "How to Behave at Shows"!
It is nearly 4pm & as the ponies are beginning to wander down towards the gate, Fat Orange One sees the opportunity for a bit of a "self-promotion" moment, while they pass the time waiting for the girls to appear!
FAT ORANGE ONE: *to LBO* "Pssst! Shall I tell stupid over there about my recent shows, then?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *graciously* "Yes, why not? I should like to hear about them myself! I may not actually partake in them anymore but I still like to stay in touch, as it were!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *to CB* "'Ere, listen to this! D'ya wanna hear about my showjumping?"
COB BLOB: *wanders over* "Cor, yeah!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well, we went in the trailer, got out the trailer, got tacked up, put my boots on, got booked in, went in the warm-up area, watched some rounds......"
COB BLOB: *whispers to LBO* "I fink I'm lost, he's goin' too quick...!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *whispers back* "It's ok, he just wants to get to the EXCITING bit!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *right on cue* "......And then it was MY turn!"
COB BLOB: "Blimey, what happened then?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well, I jumped ALL the jumps, in BOTH classes, TWICE! Didn't knock ANY down! I got TWO rosettes! I was SO clever!"
COB BLOB: "Cor, that's brill, that is! You must be BRILL at showjumping!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *quickly interrupting* "Yes, you were QUITE marvellous but why don't you tell CB about the OTHER stuff that goes on, the waiting around in the dark & the cold, the......"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Oh, yeah, yeah, all right then! Well, you have to be REALLY well-behaved at shows see, like I am! I'm a 'little star' me, they're ALWAYS saying it, so I KNOW it's true!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *encouragingly* "Yes, tell him what it's REALLY like, go on!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "It was REALLY cold that night, bl**dy freezing actually, pitch black, POURING with rain, icy wind whipping round my backside! My poor rider had a REALLY drippy nose, her hands were bright red & I think she was even snivelling at one point, she was so cold......"
COB BLOB: *hesitantly* "Err, was that MY little girl? I don't fink I like......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *hissing at FOO* "Move on with the story, you idiot!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Eh? Oh! Right! Well, anyway, the wind was whipping the flag on the big pole around, THAT spooked one or two of 'em, one horse was leaping about & neighing all the time & at least ONE banged into me when it got scared & ran backwards!"
COB BLOB: "Blimey! Wasn't YOU scared of the flag thingy?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "No, I've seen it before, I'm used to it, it doesn't bother ME at all!"
COB BLOB: "What about when they bashed into you? Did you kick 'em?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "NO, you must NEVER do that, you keep out of the way if you can but if they run into you 'cos they're being silly, you HAVE to try & keep your temper & not react! That's training that is, training & manners! I'm like a police horse I am, I can cope with ANYTHING!"
COB BLOB: "Cor, I'm impressed! I dunno if I could do that! Could YOU do that, LBO?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: "Well, you should ALWAYS try to remember your manners, certainly! No kicking allowed, for a start! And it can get VERY crowded, so you really have to keep your wits about you & have the sense to move out of the way if you need to! And learn to STAND STILL, your people REALLY appreciate that & it's a lot harder than it sounds, just standing around doing nothing!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "He's right, it IS!"
*puffing himself out proudly*
"The freezing rain came lashing down
And soaked the both of us,
I braced myself against the wind
And never made a fuss!
I waited quietly for my turn
And when......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *quickly* "Thank you, thank you, we get the picture!"
COB BLOB: "Cor! You're so BRAVE! How long d'you have to stand around like that then?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *casually* "Oh, for hours & hours!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: "But it's not ALL bad, is it? And it's worth it at the end of the day, when you DO finally get to jump!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Yeah & they're SO proud of you when you behave, especially in weather like THAT! I thought I'd have no mane left, your little girl gave me that many pats, neck rubs & strokes! She must've told me I was a 'good boy" about a million times, they ALL did!"
COB BLOB: *thinking intently* "So there's more to it than just jumping then, LBO?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *openly to CB* "Well, that IS what all your training's for! It's about teamwork, doing your best, making them proud, giving them a good time & trying hard not to let them down, no matter WHAT the conditions!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *very quietly to FOO* "But I DID enjoy having all those dozens of rosettes pinned on my bridle too! I'm not SO old I can't remember what it feels like to stand at the top of the line-up, everybody clapping, cantering proudly round on the winner's lap of honour, I never tired of it you know, all those shiny trophies......ahh, there's my little girl now, best go!"
*LBO marches slowly off towards gate, stumbling very slightly now & again under the strain of his wobbly knee*
COB BLOB: *whispers kindly to FOO* "Aww, poor old guy, look at him! D'ya fink HE ever won anyfink FOO?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *gently & patiently* "A bit CB! Yes, I do believe he won a bit! Don't you worry your head about HIM! C'mon you daft thing, there's our two now as well, calling for us, best not keep 'em waiting, eh!"
*FOO & CB wander quietly down to gate together, ready to join LBO for tea, quiet thoughts & sweet dreams!*
FAT ORANGE ONE: *to LBO* "Pssst! Shall I tell stupid over there about my recent shows, then?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *graciously* "Yes, why not? I should like to hear about them myself! I may not actually partake in them anymore but I still like to stay in touch, as it were!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *to CB* "'Ere, listen to this! D'ya wanna hear about my showjumping?"
COB BLOB: *wanders over* "Cor, yeah!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well, we went in the trailer, got out the trailer, got tacked up, put my boots on, got booked in, went in the warm-up area, watched some rounds......"
COB BLOB: *whispers to LBO* "I fink I'm lost, he's goin' too quick...!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *whispers back* "It's ok, he just wants to get to the EXCITING bit!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *right on cue* "......And then it was MY turn!"
COB BLOB: "Blimey, what happened then?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well, I jumped ALL the jumps, in BOTH classes, TWICE! Didn't knock ANY down! I got TWO rosettes! I was SO clever!"
COB BLOB: "Cor, that's brill, that is! You must be BRILL at showjumping!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Well......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *quickly interrupting* "Yes, you were QUITE marvellous but why don't you tell CB about the OTHER stuff that goes on, the waiting around in the dark & the cold, the......"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Oh, yeah, yeah, all right then! Well, you have to be REALLY well-behaved at shows see, like I am! I'm a 'little star' me, they're ALWAYS saying it, so I KNOW it's true!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *encouragingly* "Yes, tell him what it's REALLY like, go on!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "It was REALLY cold that night, bl**dy freezing actually, pitch black, POURING with rain, icy wind whipping round my backside! My poor rider had a REALLY drippy nose, her hands were bright red & I think she was even snivelling at one point, she was so cold......"
COB BLOB: *hesitantly* "Err, was that MY little girl? I don't fink I like......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *hissing at FOO* "Move on with the story, you idiot!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Eh? Oh! Right! Well, anyway, the wind was whipping the flag on the big pole around, THAT spooked one or two of 'em, one horse was leaping about & neighing all the time & at least ONE banged into me when it got scared & ran backwards!"
COB BLOB: "Blimey! Wasn't YOU scared of the flag thingy?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "No, I've seen it before, I'm used to it, it doesn't bother ME at all!"
COB BLOB: "What about when they bashed into you? Did you kick 'em?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "NO, you must NEVER do that, you keep out of the way if you can but if they run into you 'cos they're being silly, you HAVE to try & keep your temper & not react! That's training that is, training & manners! I'm like a police horse I am, I can cope with ANYTHING!"
COB BLOB: "Cor, I'm impressed! I dunno if I could do that! Could YOU do that, LBO?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: "Well, you should ALWAYS try to remember your manners, certainly! No kicking allowed, for a start! And it can get VERY crowded, so you really have to keep your wits about you & have the sense to move out of the way if you need to! And learn to STAND STILL, your people REALLY appreciate that & it's a lot harder than it sounds, just standing around doing nothing!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "He's right, it IS!"
*puffing himself out proudly*
"The freezing rain came lashing down
And soaked the both of us,
I braced myself against the wind
And never made a fuss!
I waited quietly for my turn
And when......"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *quickly* "Thank you, thank you, we get the picture!"
COB BLOB: "Cor! You're so BRAVE! How long d'you have to stand around like that then?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *casually* "Oh, for hours & hours!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: "But it's not ALL bad, is it? And it's worth it at the end of the day, when you DO finally get to jump!"
FAT ORANGE ONE: "Yeah & they're SO proud of you when you behave, especially in weather like THAT! I thought I'd have no mane left, your little girl gave me that many pats, neck rubs & strokes! She must've told me I was a 'good boy" about a million times, they ALL did!"
COB BLOB: *thinking intently* "So there's more to it than just jumping then, LBO?"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *openly to CB* "Well, that IS what all your training's for! It's about teamwork, doing your best, making them proud, giving them a good time & trying hard not to let them down, no matter WHAT the conditions!"
LITTLE BLACK ONE: *very quietly to FOO* "But I DID enjoy having all those dozens of rosettes pinned on my bridle too! I'm not SO old I can't remember what it feels like to stand at the top of the line-up, everybody clapping, cantering proudly round on the winner's lap of honour, I never tired of it you know, all those shiny trophies......ahh, there's my little girl now, best go!"
*LBO marches slowly off towards gate, stumbling very slightly now & again under the strain of his wobbly knee*
COB BLOB: *whispers kindly to FOO* "Aww, poor old guy, look at him! D'ya fink HE ever won anyfink FOO?"
FAT ORANGE ONE: *gently & patiently* "A bit CB! Yes, I do believe he won a bit! Don't you worry your head about HIM! C'mon you daft thing, there's our two now as well, calling for us, best not keep 'em waiting, eh!"
*FOO & CB wander quietly down to gate together, ready to join LBO for tea, quiet thoughts & sweet dreams!*
Monday, December 05, 2005
Oi, Ponies, NO!!!
Fat Orange One (in the style of Harry Enfield's 'Frank Doberman' character!!!)
"Oi, Ponies.....! .If you was to say to me......that any gelding wearing a blue check rug was a poof or summink, that neck covers was only fer 'girls' & that any gelding wearing jus' such a rug would be laughed outta the field & 'ave the constant mick taken out of 'im like wiv that wet bloomin' piebald thing......then I would 'ave to say to you......Oi, Ponies, NO!!!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
"My New Rug" a poem by Cob Blob.
They said "Oh my, how super"
And "How elegant is THAT!
I gotta say, I think meself,
I look an utter prat!
And "Blue is SO his colour",
"Goes with his eyes", yeah right,
I can't believe they'd turn me out,
Whilst looking such a fright!
And yes, it's wonderfully warm,
Now that I'm not so hairy,
But still I can't help thinking,
That I look a total fairy!
I know it's top-notch quality,
And warm & waterproof,
But did they really have to...
Make me look like SUCH a poof?
I hear the others sniggering,
I hear them cruelly say,
"Keep your distance from that piebald one,
I think he could be gay!"
A week later......
OK, turned out to be not so bad after all! Fat Orange One & Little Black One had the same rugs & no-one laughed at THEM, 'cos they're well 'ard, so I jus' stood near 'em for the first few days!
All this grotty weather & the others are now wishing THEY'D all got new rugs too, so who's laughing NOW then, eh??? ME, that's who!!!
And "How elegant is THAT!
I gotta say, I think meself,
I look an utter prat!
And "Blue is SO his colour",
"Goes with his eyes", yeah right,
I can't believe they'd turn me out,
Whilst looking such a fright!
And yes, it's wonderfully warm,
Now that I'm not so hairy,
But still I can't help thinking,
That I look a total fairy!
I know it's top-notch quality,
And warm & waterproof,
But did they really have to...
Make me look like SUCH a poof?
I hear the others sniggering,
I hear them cruelly say,
"Keep your distance from that piebald one,
I think he could be gay!"
A week later......
OK, turned out to be not so bad after all! Fat Orange One & Little Black One had the same rugs & no-one laughed at THEM, 'cos they're well 'ard, so I jus' stood near 'em for the first few days!
All this grotty weather & the others are now wishing THEY'D all got new rugs too, so who's laughing NOW then, eh??? ME, that's who!!!
Little Black One November '05 piccie.
This is ME & Littlest Daughter, who obviously loves ME far more than that fat, little Welsh sec A dumpling she insists on dragging around everywhere! Really, some people have NO taste whatsoever!
I would also point out that I am not actually chocolate brown in colour & this is simply due to the incompetence of the photographer! (Unlikely we shall be requiring HIS services again! You just can't get the staff these days! Sigh!)
I would also point out that I am not actually chocolate brown in colour & this is simply due to the incompetence of the photographer! (Unlikely we shall be requiring HIS services again! You just can't get the staff these days! Sigh!)
Small White Useless One November '05 piccie!
Here is me with my very own little girl! I don't look very scared or nervous NOW, do I? Chilled, or what? Monty Roberts, eat your heart out!
"Why Not Me?" a poem by Small White Useless One.
I KNOW I can't DO very much
And I'm unfit & I'm podgy,
I KNOW I have a damaged eye
So my sight is fairly dodgy!
I KNOW I'm rather headshy and
I'm too scared to be ridden,
I must have SOME good qualities though,
Perhaps they're just well hidden!
I KNOW I'm pretty nervous
But I still feel sort of lonely
When I see the others having fun
And sometimes think..."If only"!
But then, one day......
My owner fetched me from my field
And tied me up & said,
"There you go then, she's all yours"
And standing by my head......
Was a little girl!!!
She groomed me very gently
And told me I was "sweet",
She brushed & combed my mane & tail
And picked out all my feet.
I WAS a little nervous
And I hopped about a bit,
So when she came to put me back,
I thought, "Oh well, that's IT"!
She led me back into the field
And turned to shut the gate,
I watched her go & wondered if
For me, it WAS too late.
But no, the next day......she came back!!!
And two months later, here I am,
A much-loved, WANTED pony,
I'm not so scared or headshy now
And not REMOTELY lonely!
She comes to see me every day
And I'm happy now, you see,
'Cos that small girl calling to her pony,
Is calling out......to ME!!!
