Thursday, November 17, 2005
Why You Should NEVER Volunteer to Catch Kids' Ponies!
Middle daughter has been to dentist & is feeling somewhat sorry for herself! Lies on sofa looking feeble & despite KNOWING this is NOT one of my better ideas, hear my own voice stupidly asking "Would you like me to get your pony in for you?"! Response is an even feebler nod of the head as she sinks back into the cushions like some ailing Victorian heroine!
Now it should be made clear that whilst being (mostly!) extremely amenable towards his tiny 6 stone owner, Cob Blob can be fairly vile & obnoxious towards everyone else! Not nasty, just a big, disrespectful oik, with the strength of an ox on steroids & the bloody-mindedness to match! He also came with an amusing reputation for dragging unfortunate victims in whatever direction happened to catch his interest at the time! (For 'interest' read 'anything remotely edible in line of sight!')
Turn into yard driveway & as we are an hour later than usual, am not surprised to see CB waiting at the gate & he whinnies loudly as we pass! "Ahh, sweet" chorus littlest & eldest daughter in unison! "Ohh, cr*p" thinks mother, silently & with a sinking heart!
Fetch leadropes & trundle down to field. Little Black One is coming in FIRST & NOBODY is going to stop him! Catch him & Fat Orange One, CB is now lurking round corner, avoiding LBO's flailing hooves & teeth, as having turned up late, LBO is convinced he is on the verge of both starving AND freezing to death & despite being only small, is ferociously threatening any pony stupid enough to be considering 'pushing in'!
Put on CB's headcollar (stands like a rock!), open gate with sinking heart & 'whoooosh', CB rockets through at warp speed 9, leaving me with no option but to simply hang on & follow! After travelling approx. 30 feet, (during which I believe my feet MAY actually have touched the ground ONCE, or possibly even TWICE!), he stops abruptly & begins quietly cropping the grass!
I now have a major problem in that gate is now 30 feet away & it is still OPEN! Turn pony back towards gate just as car goes past, at which (presumably driven mad by his hunger pangs!), he spooks violently, careering another 20 feet or so up drive, ripping leadrope through my hand & giving me a seriously impressive rope burn!
Pony now metamorphoses into block of solid concrete & is refusing to budge from where he is superglued to the grass! Swear repeatedly in most unladylike & unloving fashion at pony & with voice rising to a shriek, instruct eldest daughter to come & help, as in NOW!
Despite being a supposedly intelligent woman, cannot resist stretching out arm towards gate, though is obvious to anybody with more than half a brain cell that only Inspector Gadget would have a hope in hell of reaching it from that distance away!
FINALLY get repulsive little twat onto yard & into box, where he stands glaring at me, clearly not impressed that precious middle daughter has not turned up to see to him! Am seriously tempted to 'see to him' myself as painfully hot, rope burned hand is now throbbing merrily & am so out of breath, am unable to emit any more swear words, threats or suggestions of what I would like to actually DO to pony at this particular moment in time!
Arrive home to where middle daughter is still lying pathetically on sofa! Little innocent face looks up at me & asks in small, suffering, wobbly voice "Is CB OK? Was he good?" Nod head frantically, make strangled gurgling noise, compose myself & airily reply "Oh, he was fine...yes...absolutely fine!"
Now it should be made clear that whilst being (mostly!) extremely amenable towards his tiny 6 stone owner, Cob Blob can be fairly vile & obnoxious towards everyone else! Not nasty, just a big, disrespectful oik, with the strength of an ox on steroids & the bloody-mindedness to match! He also came with an amusing reputation for dragging unfortunate victims in whatever direction happened to catch his interest at the time! (For 'interest' read 'anything remotely edible in line of sight!')
Turn into yard driveway & as we are an hour later than usual, am not surprised to see CB waiting at the gate & he whinnies loudly as we pass! "Ahh, sweet" chorus littlest & eldest daughter in unison! "Ohh, cr*p" thinks mother, silently & with a sinking heart!
Fetch leadropes & trundle down to field. Little Black One is coming in FIRST & NOBODY is going to stop him! Catch him & Fat Orange One, CB is now lurking round corner, avoiding LBO's flailing hooves & teeth, as having turned up late, LBO is convinced he is on the verge of both starving AND freezing to death & despite being only small, is ferociously threatening any pony stupid enough to be considering 'pushing in'!
Put on CB's headcollar (stands like a rock!), open gate with sinking heart & 'whoooosh', CB rockets through at warp speed 9, leaving me with no option but to simply hang on & follow! After travelling approx. 30 feet, (during which I believe my feet MAY actually have touched the ground ONCE, or possibly even TWICE!), he stops abruptly & begins quietly cropping the grass!
I now have a major problem in that gate is now 30 feet away & it is still OPEN! Turn pony back towards gate just as car goes past, at which (presumably driven mad by his hunger pangs!), he spooks violently, careering another 20 feet or so up drive, ripping leadrope through my hand & giving me a seriously impressive rope burn!
Pony now metamorphoses into block of solid concrete & is refusing to budge from where he is superglued to the grass! Swear repeatedly in most unladylike & unloving fashion at pony & with voice rising to a shriek, instruct eldest daughter to come & help, as in NOW!
Despite being a supposedly intelligent woman, cannot resist stretching out arm towards gate, though is obvious to anybody with more than half a brain cell that only Inspector Gadget would have a hope in hell of reaching it from that distance away!
FINALLY get repulsive little twat onto yard & into box, where he stands glaring at me, clearly not impressed that precious middle daughter has not turned up to see to him! Am seriously tempted to 'see to him' myself as painfully hot, rope burned hand is now throbbing merrily & am so out of breath, am unable to emit any more swear words, threats or suggestions of what I would like to actually DO to pony at this particular moment in time!
Arrive home to where middle daughter is still lying pathetically on sofa! Little innocent face looks up at me & asks in small, suffering, wobbly voice "Is CB OK? Was he good?" Nod head frantically, make strangled gurgling noise, compose myself & airily reply "Oh, he was fine...yes...absolutely fine!"
# posted by JAK : 17.11.05
