Little Black One & Co.

LITTLE BLACK ONE: Be patient with them when they spend ages fiddling with rug straps or bridles. Their hands are small & they like to make sure everything is done up properly.
FAT ORANGE ONE: Yeah, yeah, know that, got that! What's next then?
LITTLE BLACK ONE: I haven't finished yet!
FAT ORANGE ONE: Finished what?
LITTLE BLACK ONE: As I say, try & keep as still as you can, they will get there eventually!
COB BLOB: Get where? Are we going in the trailer?
LITTLE BLACK ONE: No!
FAT ORANGE ONE: Ha, ha, you thought we were going in the trailer! You're stupid!
COB BLOB: I'm not......
LITTLE BLACK ONE: Be quiet!

LITTLE BLACK ONE: And put your head down when they go to put your headcollar or bridle on.
COB BLOB: What for?
FAT ORANGE ONE: So they can reach more easily, stupid!
(mutters): Or in your case, so you can continue EATING, greedy guts!
COB BLOB: I'm not......
LITTLE BLACK ONE: WILL you BE quiet!
COB BLOB: How long do I have to keep my head down for then?
FAT ORANGE ONE: Oh, you utter......
LITTLE BLACK ONE: (quickly): Just until they have it slipped over your head!
COB BLOB: Oh! Oh, right!

LITTLE BLACK ONE: And girths, girths are very important!
COB BLOB: (proudly): They stop my saddle slipping!
LITTLE BLACK ONE: That's right CB, they do, so it's very important they get done up properly!
FAT ORANGE ONE: I can puff myself out REALLY far AND I can hold my breath for AGES!
COB BLOB: Cor! Howd'ya do that then?
LITTLE BLACK ONE: You don't need to know that! What you DO need to know is how to encourage them to do the girth up properly!
COB BLOB: Cor! Howd'ya do that then?
LBO: Well, you stand still, you breathe NORMALLY & if they do it up a little TOO quickly......
COB BLOB: You break the baling twine & walk off?
LITTLE BLACK ONE: No! For goodness sake, will you just listen! If they do it up a little TOO quickly, it is perfectly acceptable to MOMENTARILY lay your ears back & wince slightly. Just to remind them to be more careful next time but you don't want to frighten them though!
COB BLOB: I don't have to kick them or anything? 'Cos I don't really want to do that!
FAT ORANGE ONE: Good grief! Of course you don't kick them, you bloomin' moron! Where have you BEEN for the last 10 years? This is all aimed at you, you know, I KNOW all this stuff already!
COB BLOB: Sorry, sorry! I AM paying attention, honest!

LITTLE BLACK ONE: Any questions? Anything anyone would like to add?
FAT ORANGE ONE: Well, there is one thing! If they're REALLY slow, it's ok to fling your head around a bit or headbutt them in the chest!
LBO: WHAAAT???
COB BLOB: Yer what?
FAT ORANGE ONE: And it's really funny sometimes, when their hands are REALLY cold, to wait until they've almost got that fiddly little throat......
LITTLE BLACK ONE: That's ENOUGH! That's DISGRACEFUL! I am APPALLED!
FAT ORANGE ONE: Well, I don't do it ALL the time!
LITTLE BLACK ONE: You shouldn't do it at all!
COB BLOB: (proudly): I can take my bridle off!
LITTLE BLACK ONE: I'm sorry?
FAT ORANGE ONE: He said he could......
LITTLE BLACK ONE: I heard what he said! I just don't......
COB BLOB: (excitedly): Yeah, she turned her back & I just sort of wriggled it about a bit on the fence post & it kinda just fell off!
LITTLE BLACK ONE: And you think that is useful because...?
COB BLOB: Sorry, I thought we were just swapping stories!
FAT ORANGE ONE: You really don't know ANYTHING do you? Bridles are REALLY expensive, if you break one, they won't have any money left over for food & then you'll STARVE! And serve you right!
COB BLOB: What, no food at all?
FAT ORANGE ONE: Nope. None.
LITTLE BLACK ONE: That's enough you. C'mon CB, lesson over for today. Just try & remember SOME of the things I've told you, eh?

Ponies wander off & begin grazing. Five minutes later...
COB BLOB: Err, how long do I have to keep my head down for again???